I’ve been blogging about photography for… oh, it must be months now… and I’m still not rich, famous or popular. What could possibly be wrong? I’ve got it — not enough lighting diagrams!

Well, I’m going to fix that right now. The other day, during a little performance in the atrium of an art museum in Omaha, I happened to snap a picture I liked — there it is, at the left of this paragraph — and in the past I might have left it at that.

But now I’ve twigged to the fact that the lovely Natasha and some interesting art-deco metalwork aren’t enough to engage the interest of serious photography enthusiasts. You want equipment lists, “Strobist” info, and lighting diagrams. So, I’m gonna diagram the living whee out of this honker, and then sit back and wait for the lucrative endorsement offers to roll in…

So, here’s my diagram for the above shot. As you can see, the key light is a thermonuclear fusion illuminator. Kids, this baby is ‘way more powerful than an Alien Bee, or even a Profoto! And it has a perfectly daylight-balanced color temperature, so I don’t have to fool around with conversion filters. It’s too big for even the biggest lightstand Manfrotto makes, so I used a GPW (gravitational potential well) to hold it right where I wanted it — which, to assure exactly the combination of softness and feathering i wanted, was about 93 million miles away from my shooting space.

I felt the TFI needed just a touch more diffusion, though, so I had the assistants erect a light modifier about 60 feet high, consisting of thermally fused silicon — yes, the same stuff they use to make microprocessors! But here’s a secret tip that’s worth everything you pay for this blog: You don’t need to spend the big bucks for photo-grade TFS! Instead you can use ordinary window glass. It’s true! In fact, that’s what I used for this very shot!

Even with my carefully calculated blend of thermonuclear illumination and fused silicon diffusion, I knew I’d still need some on-axis fill to lighten up the shadows and give a bit of metallic gleam to the metalwork. So, I had the assistants construct a cavity reflector, about 40 feet wide and 120 feet deep, behind the shooting position. To get just the right combination of warmth and neutrality, I had them use blocks of pink-hued, gray-veined marble, which I chose especially to complement Natasha’s skintone and the color of her costume. I liked the look so much that I included a few of the blocks in the background — the kind of on-the-spot creativity that gives my work its balance of controlled-yet-casual edginess.

Then, as the cinematographer set up the EOS 5DII for the forthcoming behind-the-scenes video, I signaled the assistants to…

… No, I didn’t. All I did was notice my pretty young friend standing behind some nice metalwork in a sunny atrium as she waited to dance her solo. I pointed my camera at her, took some pictures, and later picked the one I liked best.

And cheez, shouldn’t that be enough? I think so — but in the photo-blogosphere, it’s not. I can just feel those endorsement offers slipping away even now…